


The King Has Lost His Crown

by thefiveboxingwizards



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, M/M, Not Beta Read, One Shot, References to ABBA, SMH is loud AF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:35:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25073977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefiveboxingwizards/pseuds/thefiveboxingwizards
Summary: Holster has a theory about ABBA fans. Shitty thinks he's dead wrong. Jack proves one of them right._____"There are only three kinds of ABBA fans; women in their 50's, theater nerds, and LGBT people!"
Relationships: Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann
Comments: 19
Kudos: 206





	The King Has Lost His Crown

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the time when I was in college (at my very queer school) when a group of randos I didn't know said something like "All LGBT people like ABBA" and I was like, "Yeah, that tracks. Turn up Dancing Queen!"

“I am telling you, Rans, there are only three kinds of people who are ABBA fans!” Holster yells from his end of the breakfast table early one morning in the fall of 2014.

“Oh, I wanna hear this,” Lardo says to Shitty before leaning over and shouting, “What are these categories Holster!?”

Holster clears his throat and stands. “There are three kinds of ABBA fans: women in their 50's, theater nerds, and LGBT people!”

Shitty snorts and says, “That can’t be true.”

“I buy it,” Lardo says with a decisive nod. “I don’t think I’ve ever met a straight dude—who wasn’t a theater nerd—who could name an ABBA song that wasn’t ‘Mamma Mia’ or ‘Dancing Queen.’”

Shitty stands and flails his arms as he says, “There’s no way, man! You can’t just stereotype every woman of a certain age, every theater nerd, and every LGBT person!”

“No, Shits, he’s not stereotyping. Holster’s only saying if you’re a person who likes ABBA, you also fall into one of those three categories!” Ransom waves a sausage around on his fork as he backs Holster up.

“I just think there’s bound to be someone somewhere who doesn’t fall into those categories.” Shitty slumps back into his seat with a pout.

“Alright, Shits,” Lardo begins, “name one ABBA song that isn’t ‘Mamma Mia’ or ‘Dancing Queen.’”

Shitty furrows his brow and purses his lips while he thinks. “Uhh, what’s the one about being 16?”

Lardo and Holster snort in unison and Lardo says, “She’s 17, and that’s ‘Dancing Queen.’ Try again.”

“Okay, what about the one where she’s trying to find her dad?” Shitty guesses.

Holster barks out a laugh. “That’s just the plot of  _ Mamma Mia _ , Shits.”

Shitty groans loudly and Bitty approaches the table with a plate loaded with waffles.

“What’s wrong with Shitty,” Bitty asks.

“Bitty! Name an ABBA song!” Holster shouts.

“Uhh, ‘Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!’” Bitty responds before cutting into his waffles.

Shitty groans again and slumps further into his chair.

“I rest my case!” Holster bangs his fist against the table and spills some of his juice.

“Hey, don’t lawyer me!” Shitty glares at Holster and throws his napkin at him. 

“Any’a y’all gonna tell me why I had to name an ABBA song?” Bitty asks through a mouthful of waffles.

Ransom helps clean up Holster’s mess and replies, “Holster has a theory and Shitty thinks it’s crap.”

“What? That gays like ABBA?” Bitty asks. “That’s true.”

Lardo, Ransom, and Holster burst into laughter and Shitty bangs his head against the table.

When Holster regains his breath he says, “My theory, Bits, is that anyone who likes ABBA falls into one of three categories: LGBT people, theater nerds, and women in their 50’s.”

Bitty nods and says, “Yeah, that sounds right.”

“Okay, okay,” Lardo cuts in, “let’s give Shitty a chance to redeem himself. Shits,” she turns to Shitty and pulls his head off the table by his hair, “if you can sing ‘Mamma Mia,’ Holster will admit defeat! Won’t you Holster?”

“Swear on my  _ 30 Rock _ collection,” Holster says. 

“Mamma mia,” Shitty mumbles into the table, “there I go again. My, my, how could I resist ya?”

“Are you asking or are you singing?” Bitty laughs.

“Okay, you’re mostly right, but where’s the rest of the song?” Holster asks.

“Rans, help me,” Shitty pleads.

Ransom laughs and shakes his head. “I don’t know any ABBA songs, Shits.”

Holster clears his throat and says, “Bits? Lards? From the chorus?”

Bitty and Lardo nod and Holster counts down with his fingers. The three of them loudly and terribly scream sing together.

“Mamma mia, here I go again

My my, how can I resist you?

Mamma mia, does it show again?

My my, just how much I've missed you

“Yes, I've been brokenhearted

Blue since the day we parted

Why, why did I ever let you go?”

“Oh, ABBA, nice.” Jack sets his plate down, eyes Bitty’s waffles with a glare, and pulls out the chair next to him. “I like ‘Waterloo.’”

“NO!” Holster screams.

“YES!” Shitty cheers.

“Uhh, what?” Jack reels back from his friends slightly and pulls his plate closer to himself when Shitty stands and leans over the table.

“Name another ABBA song!” Shitty shouts.

“Euh, ‘Voulez-Vous,’” Jack says.

“Jack I love you so much I could kiss you!” Shitty grabs Jack’s shoulders and shakes him.

“Euh, please don’t,” Jack says with a grimace as he pries Shitty’s hands off his shoulders. 

“There is nothing wrong with a little platonic spit swapping, Jacques Laurent!” Shitty waves his finger in Jack’s face and takes his seat.

“How many ABBA songs can you name, Jack?” Lardo asks.

“Euh, I don’t know. ‘Waterloo,’ ‘Voulez-Vous,’ ‘Mamma Mia,’ ‘Dancing Queen,’ ‘Does Your Mother Know,’ ‘Money, Money, Money,’ ‘Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!’ ‘Super Trouper.’” Jack shrugs and says, “I’m sure I know more even if I can’t name them right now.”

Bitty gapes at Jack and incredulously asks, “How can you know so many ABBA songs but so few current songs?”

Jack shrugs again and rubs the back of his neck. “I don’t know. I like ABBA?”

“Jack, please tell me you’re a secret theater nerd.” Holster looks as though someone has just run over his dog while Shitty beams with a shit eating grin.

“Euh, no? Did you forget about the time I fell asleep while we were watching  _ Sweeney Todd _ ?” Jack asks.

Holster groans and says, “Don’t remind me,” with a glare.

“Huh, well, I guess that’s the end of your theory Holtzy,” Ransom says consolingly with a pat to Holster’s back.

“What theory?” Jack asks.

“Holster claimed all ABBA fans fall into one of three categories,” Lardo explains, “Women in their 50s, theater nerds, and queer people.”

Jack raises his eyebrows and hums consideringly. The conversation moves on when the frogs join the table loudly arguing about something Jack can’t be bothered to get involved with.

* * *

“Bits!” Holster greets Bitty over the phone early in the summer of 2018. “You. Me.  _ Mamma Mia Here We Go Again _ !”

Bitty laughs lightly, tucks his phone against his shoulder, and continues rolling out his pie dough. “Sorry, Holster, Jack and I are going together.”

“What? No!” Holster groans. “I forgot Jack likes ABBA.”

“Mhm,” Bitty hums. “He’s really excited about this.”

“Holy shit! Bitty!” Holster yells.

“What!?” Bitty freezes up and grabs his phone to grip it tightly.

“JACK LIKES ABBA!”

“Yes, we already know this! We’ve known this for years!” Bitty laughs.

“No, Bitty! Jack. Likes. ABBA. Jack, your fiancé, likes ABBA!”

“Yes, and?” Bitty absentmindedly brushes his hands against his apron as he contemplates how he’s going to make his dough work.

“My theory was right, Bits! I gotta call Shitty!”

“Okay, Holtzy,” Bitty says before hanging up.

“Why did I ever decide to try a gluten free pie crust,” Bitty groans to himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Holster: Shitty! JACK LIKES ABBA!  
> Shitty: Yeah...  
> Holster: JACK IS BI AND HE LIKES ABBA!!  
> Shitty: God dammit you were right...
> 
> Don't take the content of this fic too seriously. It's all meant to be a joke. :) If you do or don't like ABBA that has no bearing on your sexuality. 
> 
> Find me on Tumblr at [thefiveboxingwizards](https://thefiveboxingwizards.tumblr.com/)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Dex likes Money, Money, Money](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25083562) by [Bee_Boy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bee_Boy/pseuds/Bee_Boy)




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